I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
