when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
