a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Please don't give away my fajitas
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
