the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
