We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
