One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
