remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
