you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
