fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
