so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize