I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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