I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
