You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
