I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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