I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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