508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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