turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize