I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
