i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
