dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
