if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
