Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
