i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize