There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
