I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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