This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
