Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
