You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
