Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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