I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize