Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My vagina is officially offended.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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