i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
