Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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