i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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