If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
