I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
