you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i out mim tonsoeep
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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