so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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