I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
