I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
