So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
