ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
where are you?
Hypothermia
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
