i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
