party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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