Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
