My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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