Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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