Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
