Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
