it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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