What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
