By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
