neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
