Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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