and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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