This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Terrible idea I love it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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