I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
