I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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