Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
