new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
