so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
