Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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