so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
